I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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