Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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