Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
