He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
