all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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