I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
