anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
