I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's blow job season.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
