I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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