then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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