I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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