Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That's how pantless uber rides happen
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
