Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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