Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Come share oat with me in your robe
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
