Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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