My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
