so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
