ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
