I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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