it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
