"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
