I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
