god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
