when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
