I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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