i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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