is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
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a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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