I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
