I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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