Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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