the condom got lost in my hair
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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