totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
