I am puke
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
