I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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