there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
