This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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