remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
