a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
