two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
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you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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