My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
