when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
