I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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