just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
