the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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