we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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