My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
