It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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