When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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