A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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