i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
