Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
