even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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