Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
