good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
