Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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