you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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