You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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