Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
