It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
