remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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