He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
